abraxas inbox;

[unwings]

{ ᴄᴀʟʟ | ᴛᴇxᴛ | ᴠɪᴅᴇᴏ | ᴀᴄᴛɪᴏɴ }

" Mᴀᴋᴇ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴠᴏɪᴄᴇ ᴀ ᴍᴀɪʟ. "

Comments

[unwings]

[ the end of week 1 is rough, it takes cas a while to focus in and get a message out, head feeling foggy and swimming as a fever is starting to set it. ]

Ì̸̼̯̮̙͑́'̷̼̎̓͐ṃ̶̜̮̊͠ͅ ̴̞̣͠ well enough. [ liar. ] I̴̧̖͖͒'̵̛͚l̴̢̖̳̝̉̍̌l̶͕̬͓̾̋͝͠ ̸̱̻͔̈̎͘b̴̪́͌̉ȅ̷̯̦̱̫̅ ̶̯̍ better when I see you al̵̡͈̫͛͒͂͋l̴̘͉̾̽͜ ̶͖̩͓̖̀̉̃͘ä̷̟̖͉́̒͐g̷͚̫̦̟̋̂a̴̭̋̄̈́ḭ̴̗̂̅ͅn̴̖̝͗̊.̸̲͖̠̇̃ ̵̖̠͍̪̐͊̄

W̴̫͔̲̥͛̃̀h̸̞͗̈́͆̋ą̴̇͂t̵̩̟̮̂̃̄͠'̶͈̲̋̿s̴̡̱̼̎̐̈́̚ happening? D̶̛̝̬̅̃͂ę̴̧̭̦̃̎͐̾ä̴̳́̂ń̵̼̑̃'̸̬̲̜̒̑̎̔ṣ̶̘̆̏̀̈́ ̶̡̰̝̂͆b̵͖́͠͝e̴̡̻͕̔̆̏̚i̵̱̳̞̍ṉ̸̀̂g̸̩̝̹̓̆͒͊ ominous.

[tobeclosetohim]

[ She hates the waiting. Hates how far away he is. There's a reckless, unmoored something terrified there won't be a response. That it could be both of them at once. But part of that tension vicing her chest relaxes its chokehold when his words appear. There's a lot of staring at the gobbledegook in his words. ]


𝕋𝕙𝕚𝕟𝕘𝕤 𝕒𝕣𝕖𝕟'𝕥 𝕘𝕣𝕖𝕒𝕥. [ Way to undersell, Harvelle. ]

𝕎𝕖'𝕣𝕖 𝕤𝕥𝕚𝕝𝕝 𝕝𝕠𝕠𝕜𝕚𝕟𝕘 𝕗𝕠𝕣 𝕒𝕟𝕪 𝕝𝕖𝕒𝕕𝕤 𝕥𝕠 𝕨𝕙𝕖𝕣𝕖 𝕪𝕠𝕦 𝕒𝕣𝕖. 𝕋𝕠𝕕𝕒𝕪 𝕚𝕥 𝕨𝕒𝕤 𝕓𝕒𝕟𝕕𝕚𝕥𝕤.

[unwings]

[ things not going great seems to be the theme of the last week all around. he's tired, he's exhausted, but he's still much more worried about what's going on out there while he's away. ]

Bandits? What happened ̵̧͇̇̚ẁ̴̡͔̦̪i̷̦̓́̓̄t̴͕̥̰̟͑̓̅h̴̅̆ͅ ̸̢͠t̸̮͓̖̎͂̀̋ḧ̸̺̘̺́̋͐͝e̴̛̺̟ ̶̡̛͖͋̽̎ bandits? Neither o̸̡̡̞̜̎̃f̷̨̈͂ ̸̛̦̖̙̈́y̶̢͍̖͋̉̚̚͜ö̵̗̮̹͒͌͠u̵̧̞̬̇́̔ ̴̨̇̕a̴͚̖͋̋̐ṟ̶͈̓̆̓͐é̷̞̱̳ being terribly specific.

[tobeclosetohim]

𝕋𝕙𝕚𝕟𝕘𝕤 𝕕𝕚𝕕𝕟'𝕥 𝕘𝕠 𝕤𝕠 𝕨𝕖𝕝𝕝.

𝔻𝕖𝕒𝕟 𝕜𝕚𝕟𝕕 𝕠𝕗 𝕝𝕠𝕤𝕥 𝕚𝕥 𝕗𝕠𝕣 𝕒 𝕨𝕙𝕚𝕝𝕖 𝕥𝕙𝕖𝕣𝕖.



[ Thing is, even now, she knew having Jesper at his side, amping quick deaths from the get-go, probably hadn't helped,
and she and Sam probably stood by a little too long without mitigating what he'd been doing for the interrogations.

Maybe it would be a whole fuck of a lot easier to go on staring at her face, writing & reading words over the glaring fact of it, if her mind would stop putting together logic like breathing. Telling her she had to get her hands around this. And she had to do it fast. Or Dean would let it get worse, right here right now, faster.]

[unwings]

[ there's a delay getting back to her, because cas just now got dean to talk about what happened, and he's mortified. he shouldn't be surprised this happened, but cas no less blames himself for allowing himself to be snatched up and absent when he'd told dean they'd help him maintain control.

now, jo's paid the price for it. she's tough as nails, but she's only human. dean in a rage, with strength from the mark, could have maimed her. ]

Jo, are you alright? D̷̻͈̗̚í̵̝͇̞̿̇̓d̴̨̻͙͆̈̃ ̷̰͕̫̊̏͘͝ͅy̷̯̞̳͒ő̵̫̼̫͈u̷̮͝ get healing?
I̸͖̫̽̋͆ ̷͖͂̆̇̅a̶͓̮̲͛͒̉̂m̵̤̤̫̗͗̆ ̵͎̿̑̌ so sorry, Ï̵̝̪̱̽ͅ ̷̜̟̈s̸̜͓̰͕̋̈́̑̄h̴̩̳͈̔̒̿̔ó̵͔͚̥̕͠ụ̷̢̟̥͝ld have been there, looking out for you both.

[tobeclosetohim]

𝕀'𝕞 𝕗𝕚𝕟𝕖. [ The fuck she is not. ]

𝕀'𝕞 𝕞𝕠𝕣𝕖 𝕨𝕠𝕣𝕣𝕚𝕖𝕕 𝕒𝕓𝕠𝕦𝕥 𝔻𝕖𝕒𝕟. [ Not a lie.

And something catches in her throat for the first time, finally.
She doesn't need someone else here to tell her how fucked that is.

It's not her face that haunts her. It was Dean's when he finally came to. ]

[unwings]

"I'm fine" i̸͓͖̕ś̸̖̊ ̸̥̜͔̆͊̈́å̵͎̚ strange sentiment. Ḧ̸͙́͊̎̃u̷͎̎̈́͒m̴̛̭̙̜͜a̶̱̣̤͋̀͘n̶̡̞͑̍s̵̞̈́̈́ ̴̡̝͔͓͋̐o̵̼͈͆̈́̐͌f̶̙̒̂͑͋ẗ̷̪͙́͝e̵͊͜n̸͚͘ ̴̛̪͓̀̋͜ say it when they mean the opposite.

[ cas is far from one to talk, considering the conversations he's had with dean thus far. do as i say, not as i do. ]

I'm worried ̴̤͓͐́a̴͎̼̾̀͋͜b̸̖̠̀͂o̵̳̕u̴̞̖̦̿̽t̸̳̣͘ ̵̻̎͆h̶̦͖̬̬̍̿̑͝í̴̳͉͇̫̚m̵̜̍̀̈́ ̵͎͓͊too. But the more we're hurt, the worse he'l̸̦̍͛l̶͍̳̥̠͒̿̆ ̸̞͚̔̓̔̕g̶̨͓̟̲̍̒e̸͔̹̒̎̐͠ͅt̷̟̩̓͋.̶̦̥͊͘ ̴̩̭͌̋̓͝T̴͓̱͖͍͛̈́̀̈́à̴̛̼̚ͅk̵̘͎̰͗̅̅̐e̴̬̪̪͋͐̄ ̷͓͐͌̿care of yourself, and be careful.

[tobeclosetohim]

𝕀 𝕨𝕠𝕟'𝕥 𝕝𝕖𝕒𝕧𝕖 𝕙𝕚𝕞, ℂ𝕒𝕤.


[ Did she ignore the other parts?
Is it an answer to people she can't?

Is it a promise? Declaration? confession?
Is it trying out what she has to go tell him?

(There's a tiny part of her thinking,
if not even this, then it will be never.) ]

[unwings]

Good.

[ the sentiment's mutual, though castiel's current absence is far from voluntary. it doesn't stop the guilt he's weighted with regardless. ]

I hate that I'm not ̴̦͔̕̕t̸̟̭̒h̵̭̠̪̓̐͘e̸̮̅̕͝r̶̨̛̟͔e̶̬̤̲̐̌̓,̴̣̘̍ ̸̲̽͋̃b̷̰̽̊̌ū̷̢̬͇t̴̛̬͕̓̕ ̸̡͈̄͝ͅ thankful one of us is.

[tobeclosetohim]

[ Jo lets out a small shuddering breath and her vision clouds suddenly, at the definitiveness of that one word. Unexpected. And so goddamn needed it cuts her chest wide open, dumps everything from inside of it out in those four words, in a way so much deeper than any jagged, still scabbing piece of skin on her body. That he understands. What no one outside of this house would. That it'd look insane to anyone, anywhere else. But she can't.

They can't, and for a hard moment, hands fisting the basin edges of the sink until her abused bones are protesting up her arms and into her shoulders, she wishes he was here. Needs Cas to just be here. Now. With her. Do this. Help her. With Dean. (With herself. Letting herself have just one moment to really feel this. What happened. Just how fast, how violently.) Because she can't. Her eyes close hard. Refusing to let any tears fall. (Every muscle and inch of skin involved screaming fiercely at it, and she leans into the clean, blistering pain just as hard.) She's not done. That has to wait. There are more important things to do first.

She has to talk to Dean,

before he can build whatever wall he's already trying to. ]


𝕐𝕠𝕦 𝕨𝕚𝕝𝕝 𝕓𝕖 𝕤𝕠𝕠𝕟.
𝕎𝕖'𝕧𝕖 𝕘𝕠𝕥 𝕙𝕚𝕞 𝕦𝕟𝕥𝕚𝕝 𝕪𝕠𝕦 𝕒𝕣𝕖.

[unwings]

[ it's a bone deep understanding. castiel's abandoned everything he knows, everything he was built for, heavenly paradise, to remain glued to dean's side. a dead devotion to holding his post as guardian and friend. the simple fact he's away now, made himself something to worry about rather than a stable force to lean on, will eat at him for months, maybe years, maybe more. so yes, he gets it, when jo states in no uncertain terms that neither heaven nor hell can drag her from his side. he gets it.

he knows she must be hurting, and of course he'd prefer she kept herself safe and away. but he can't berate her from taking the same stance he would in her place. there's only understanding and respect for her choice. ]

Í̶̱̱̓̚'̴̟̟͑m̷̧̩͋̏̀ ̷̌̈͜g̴̺̀l̵͑͜ạ̷̖̾̊ḑ̴̄͝ ̶͇̌ͅ he's in good hands.
I̷̯̠̰͝f̵͕͊ ̷̩̥͔̌̇̉ȧ̶̞̻n̷͇̯̐̅̌y̵̧̐ͅö̵̝͇̰́n̶̯͂ȅ̵̹͇ ̸̝͖́c̴̮̹̏a̷͇̺̙͆̓̀n̷̹͐͑͊ find calm in him, I'm certain it would be you and Sam

[tobeclosetohim]

[ Calm.

That's the word she stares at longest in the air;
her face still an angry red throbbing all through her head,
her vision, from clenching her teeth, her whole body. She stares at that word.

Through the word. The heft of it. The weight. The almost direction or benediction of it. She can't hear the compliment. Only feel the way it's so far outside of her own grasp at the second, no less what she has in her hands to give out. Jo doesn't know if she can promise she can create or give that to Dean at all. She doesn't know if she'd label what she needs to do any more than bloody, broken triage.

I wish you were here, she doesn't write.
You'd do this better, she doesn't write. ]

𝕀'𝕝𝕝 𝕕𝕠 𝕞𝕪 𝕓𝕖𝕤𝕥.

[ She looked up at her face again. Bruised and broken, if most of the blood washed away now. It's bad. It's so bad. But she can live with it. She can live through it. She's not dead. Not bleeding out on the floor. She managed that without screaming or falling apart. She can do this.

She can do this.

She will. ]

𝕎𝕖 𝕟𝕖𝕖𝕕 𝕥𝕠 𝕗𝕚𝕘𝕦𝕣𝕖 𝕠𝕦𝕥 𝕙𝕠𝕨 𝕪𝕠𝕦 𝕒𝕝𝕝 𝕓𝕖𝕒𝕥 𝕥𝕙𝕚𝕤. 𝕊𝕠𝕠𝕟𝕖𝕣 𝕟𝕠𝕥 𝕝𝕒𝕥𝕖𝕣.