It's fine. Just never really knew anything different. Aside from the stories, I mean.
[It means she has something to offer out here. It means she was able to help him, to get him out of whatever was happening in that dream without freezing up. It meant she could hold her own, and she plans to keep doing it here. She doesn't have to feel helpless.
... she figures that Castiel is going to say something wise and insightful and inspirational, and it might even be comforting. In her limited experience he's been surprisingly good at that. But what he actually says comes out of left field and knocks her breathless.
And she can't in good conscience take it. Ellie sits for a long time with the words on the screen, floating in the VR in front of her eyes, letting them burn into her brain.
"You aren't alone here. When we leave - and we will leave - we go together. Understand?"]
[ 'it's fine', she says, and a mirthless chuckle falls from cas, that simple phrase having become so much of a red flag for not actually that fine over the years. but that's what humans do - they say they're fine, they repeat it, over and over, until they believe it. cas doesn't call her on it, but he'll keep it in mind. ]
You've never seen civilization as it's intended before New Amsterdam, have you?
[ a world ravaged by plague and monsters, society must be a decimated thing, with simple joys like going to a shopping center, seeing a movie, visiting a full park on a sunny day, impossible. if that's the world ellie was born into, already dismantled by catastrophe, humanity poisoned by the desperation survival breeds, there must be so much of the world, of living in it, she's missed out on.
it takes him a second to think back on what he'd said in the dream exactly, and when cas recalls it, he's smiling softly into the middle distance in his living room. that sentiment - no one left behind, we fight together - is something he learned on earth, from the winchesters, and there's a small pride in him for finding it's soaked in and become so easily part of him, enough he can share it with someone that needs it, like ellie. ]
Nope, mostly just the ruins. Joel used to tell me stories about it, but it was nothing as advanced as this.
[Ellie sits there in the silence with him -- she's sprawled out on her back on her bed inside her cramped studio apartment, her eyes half shut and the VR feed flickering behind her eyelids, and at his offer she crosses her hands over her stomach, running her fingertips over her newly-installed prosthetic ones, just to feel the somewhat-diminished feedback of the touch. A muted mirror of the real thing, but so much better than nothing at all.
Some part of her wants to say yes. That there is nothing left for her. That all she's left are footprints and all she's carrying are memories. She's not sure what holds her back from just saying yes.
... she wishes she could find her thirteen year old self and tell her -- the little girl who'd pleaded with the soldier dropping her off at her latest boarding school just to take her with him instead.
I could help you.
Ellie wishes that she could tell her that someone wants her. How tempting it is to just say yes.]
I tried for a long time to fix my world. I don't know if I ever could. But I need to find out more about this place. About why I'm here.
Of all the people from my world, whoever's doing this brought me. I don't know if it was an accident, but I have to find out.
Ruins. Of the abandoned cities, you mean? Sounds like a lonely world.
[ new amsterdam must seem startlingly crowded in comparison to a world 20 years past apocalypse. cas makes a mental note to take ellie to some of the other cities, show her some of the beautiful things man created before her world crumbled.
the sentiment she gives is a familiar one, and while it's unfortunate she won't go with him, it's still something he can be proud of. ]
I understand.
That's very selfless of you, Ellie. You've had such pain in your life already, yet you're still seeking to help where you can. It's admirable.
All the same, the offer stands, if you change your mind.
Compared to this one, yeah. It's different, seeing what it could have been instead, you know?
[Ellie doesn't respond for a long time, not sure of how she feels. Castiel's read so much selflessness into it, but it's never felt that way for her. It's more because it feels so incredibly selfish to exist, to carry what she does inside of her and do nothing about it, when so many people have given everything to keep her safe.
She wants that to matter. Like it might balance out some of the rest of it.]
It's More complicated than that. Don't get the wrong idea, I'm not some saint or anything.
Have you been to New Cairo yet? After all the environmental destruction, I was pleased to know the pyramids survived.
[ if anything ought to be preserved for posterity, these wonders of the world should be. they're testaments to human ingenuity, meant to last into the ages, and he's happy they have. if ellie's to start seeing the world as it should have been, maybe those places are a good starting point.
her answer is curious, and it he isn't about to invalidate whatever concern she has over being deemed selfless, even if he suspects she's being harder on herself that she needs to be. humans do that, especially the ones that the word fits best to. but she's right, he doesn't know everything about her, and he shouldn't assume to. ]
Haven't been out of the city yet, but fuck that sounds amazing. I've seen pictures of them in books, but that's it.
[Ellie pauses again, appreciating Castiel all the more for asking, but not pressing. And Castiel... well. He'd had just a glimpse of the end, but part of her feels like she owes him some kind of explanation.
Some part of her doesn't want it to die with her, either.]
Long, complicated story. Ask me again when we've got time and some drinks?
Pictures don't quite measure up. Would you like to visit them?
[ it's a subtle offer to go with her, but ellie may want to take the trip by herself. cas has that habit, feeling the need to hover close and facilitate, guide, help a person along to some kind of fulfillment. you'd think that's a trait natural to angels, but it really, really isn't. it's just the parts of him that've gone more human over the years.
as for the complicated story, he isn't surprised with the reluctance to touch the topic, and if it never comes up again, he won't be bothered. ellie knows he's interested in hearing it, wants to listen and understand. he'll trust her to come to that if and when she's ready. ]
Of course.
Is drinking a regular occurrence for you?
[ ellie no, you're too young to murder your liver already, please have healthy coping mechanisms ]
[The offer isn't as subtle as Castiel thinks it is, but Ellie's grateful for it. As incredible as it would be to travel there, to sketch them into her new journal... traveling alone is always hollow. It makes her feel disconnected from time. For a bit that was what she needed, but now, it's not so attractive.]
Nah. Throwing up in your shower and then showing up for drills at five in the fucking morning will cure you of that bullshit real quick. I stick to one or two.
[ don't put the air quotes, cas, don't do it. he doesn't, thankfully. look at him, finally starting to sound almost like a real boy after twelve years. subtly isn't castiel's strong suit. if he isn't outright saying it, direct and plain, it's an attempt at subtle. yeah, he's not great at it. you should hear this dork try to lie. ]
Drills? Who was drilling you at five in the morning after you'd thrown up?
[Good job, dude- someday she'll even be aware of the struggle. But for now, she's blissfully ignorant of the amount of work that's gone into sounding like a normal human through text.]
Hell, I keep forgetting. I've been inside your head so this feels Fucking weird, like you should know more
I grew up in a military preparatory academy. Ward of the state and all that.
[Which she left when she was thirteen but probably not the best time to mention considering they're talking about her underage drinking escapades.]
Sure. The gardens have been well staffed lately, taking a day off shouldn't be an issue.
[ he's bound to mess up and show his dorkiness at some point, don't worry. cas never holds on to looking cool for long once you see him outside of combat. ]
There was a time I could've read your entire life from your mind, but I'd consider it unethical.
You're an orphan. [ captain obvious here. ] Were you treated well there? Or were post-regurgitation calisthenics the norm?
Yeah that shit wouldn't be fun for either of us, promise
[Ellie pauses for a few seconds, just working out the obvious shit, then tacking the rest on. She's seen Castiel's notes on Dean's work so she's not as blindsided as she might have been.]
It sucked but not as bad as some other places. It was probably the safest place in the city and we got fed. That's more than the civvies could say most of the time
An offer of safety and food is nothing to pass on when both are in short supply. I'm glad you found a means to survive.
[ ah, yes. the man in her memory, the one soaked in grief and horror, that had shaken her to her core. cas doesn't want to pry, much as he's curious. whatever ellie wants to tell about longer story, she'll do in her own time, and he isn't in a hurry for it.
the image of that man is stuck in his mind, wrapped up in ellie's feelings of despair and terror, something broken and delicate, sharp edges that cut before you notice you've mishandled it. he must've been someone immensely important, trusted, for her to leave behind that promise of security. ]
[She'd been a child at the time, without much of a choice, and only upon looking back does she really see how sheltered she was, in comparison to what Dina and Riley grew up with. Ellie was fiercely capable, had been forced to be, but she's just one of thousands of kids.]
Joel. Joel Miller.
[She pauses, and then-]
No blood relation, we just relied on each other, for a long time
[ the first thought is, of course, 'father', but ellie adds on the last part. ah. 'Miller', like 'Smith', is a fairly common American surname, so that's fair enough. ]
I was once told 'family don't end in blood.'
[ castiel's guessing that's the kind of relationship here, despite the lack of blood. this joel miller is a sensitive topic for her, one cas knows she doesn't want to go into now, so he tries to steer away from it, relieve ellie from answering questions for now. ]
Fortunate. You've seen how my family regards me already.
[ his family being the entire host of heaven, up to and including the woman with the brain drill, and every other angel who tried to take them out along the way. ]
[Even if she doesn't know who said it. She supposes she can live with calling Dean smart, if it was him. But she appreciates Castiel steering through it, still giving her room to talk without pinning her down.]
Why do they hate you so much? You're not like, evil or anything Not that I know anything about angels
[ rip, bobby, you'll be missed. the word 'hate' is strong, and as much as cas wishes he could say he doesn't think any of them truly hate him any longer, well... that may not be exactly true. ]
I rebelled. For an angel to turn their back on their duty as the host of Heaven, abandon their brothers and sisters - it's the highest shame.
[ if she were here, he'd be giving her a fond but resigned smile. for a human, it would be that simple. angels just aren't built the same. ]
Blind loyalty and allegiance are exactly what angels were made for. We're soldiers, meant to operate like machines, programmable. Free will is a completely foreign concept to most.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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[It means she has something to offer out here. It means she was able to help him, to get him out of whatever was happening in that dream without freezing up. It meant she could hold her own, and she plans to keep doing it here. She doesn't have to feel helpless.
... she figures that Castiel is going to say something wise and insightful and inspirational, and it might even be comforting. In her limited experience he's been surprisingly good at that. But what he actually says comes out of left field and knocks her breathless.
And she can't in good conscience take it. Ellie sits for a long time with the words on the screen, floating in the VR in front of her eyes, letting them burn into her brain.
"You aren't alone here. When we leave - and we will leave - we go together. Understand?"]
You actually meant what you said in the dream.
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You've never seen civilization as it's intended before New Amsterdam, have you?
[ a world ravaged by plague and monsters, society must be a decimated thing, with simple joys like going to a shopping center, seeing a movie, visiting a full park on a sunny day, impossible. if that's the world ellie was born into, already dismantled by catastrophe, humanity poisoned by the desperation survival breeds, there must be so much of the world, of living in it, she's missed out on.
it takes him a second to think back on what he'd said in the dream exactly, and when cas recalls it, he's smiling softly into the middle distance in his living room. that sentiment - no one left behind, we fight together - is something he learned on earth, from the winchesters, and there's a small pride in him for finding it's soaked in and become so easily part of him, enough he can share it with someone that needs it, like ellie. ]
I did. I still do.
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[Ellie sits there in the silence with him -- she's sprawled out on her back on her bed inside her cramped studio apartment, her eyes half shut and the VR feed flickering behind her eyelids, and at his offer she crosses her hands over her stomach, running her fingertips over her newly-installed prosthetic ones, just to feel the somewhat-diminished feedback of the touch. A muted mirror of the real thing, but so much better than nothing at all.
Some part of her wants to say yes. That there is nothing left for her. That all she's left are footprints and all she's carrying are memories. She's not sure what holds her back from just saying yes.
... she wishes she could find her thirteen year old self and tell her -- the little girl who'd pleaded with the soldier dropping her off at her latest boarding school just to take her with him instead.
I could help you.
Ellie wishes that she could tell her that someone wants her. How tempting it is to just say yes.]
I tried for a long time to fix my world. I don't know if I ever could. But I need to find out more about this place. About why I'm here.
Of all the people from my world, whoever's doing this brought me. I don't know if it was an accident, but I have to find out.
I can't go anywhere else until I know.
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[ new amsterdam must seem startlingly crowded in comparison to a world 20 years past apocalypse. cas makes a mental note to take ellie to some of the other cities, show her some of the beautiful things man created before her world crumbled.
the sentiment she gives is a familiar one, and while it's unfortunate she won't go with him, it's still something he can be proud of. ]
I understand.
That's very selfless of you, Ellie. You've had such pain in your life already, yet you're still seeking to help where you can. It's admirable.
All the same, the offer stands, if you change your mind.
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[Ellie doesn't respond for a long time, not sure of how she feels. Castiel's read so much selflessness into it, but it's never felt that way for her. It's more because it feels so incredibly selfish to exist, to carry what she does inside of her and do nothing about it, when so many people have given everything to keep her safe.
She wants that to matter. Like it might balance out some of the rest of it.]
It's
More complicated than that. Don't get the wrong idea, I'm not some saint or anything.
But thanks, Castiel. I mean it.
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[ if anything ought to be preserved for posterity, these wonders of the world should be. they're testaments to human ingenuity, meant to last into the ages, and he's happy they have. if ellie's to start seeing the world as it should have been, maybe those places are a good starting point.
her answer is curious, and it he isn't about to invalidate whatever concern she has over being deemed selfless, even if he suspects she's being harder on herself that she needs to be. humans do that, especially the ones that the word fits best to. but she's right, he doesn't know everything about her, and he shouldn't assume to. ]
How so? If you don't mind my asking.
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[Ellie pauses again, appreciating Castiel all the more for asking, but not pressing. And Castiel... well. He'd had just a glimpse of the end, but part of her feels like she owes him some kind of explanation.
Some part of her doesn't want it to die with her, either.]
Long, complicated story. Ask me again when we've got time and some drinks?
[And are off the network.]
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[ it's a subtle offer to go with her, but ellie may want to take the trip by herself. cas has that habit, feeling the need to hover close and facilitate, guide, help a person along to some kind of fulfillment. you'd think that's a trait natural to angels, but it really, really isn't. it's just the parts of him that've gone more human over the years.
as for the complicated story, he isn't surprised with the reluctance to touch the topic, and if it never comes up again, he won't be bothered. ellie knows he's interested in hearing it, wants to listen and understand. he'll trust her to come to that if and when she's ready. ]
Of course.
Is drinking a regular occurrence for you?
[ ellie no, you're too young to murder your liver already, please have healthy coping mechanisms ]
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[The offer isn't as subtle as Castiel thinks it is, but Ellie's grateful for it. As incredible as it would be to travel there, to sketch them into her new journal... traveling alone is always hollow. It makes her feel disconnected from time. For a bit that was what she needed, but now, it's not so attractive.]
Nah. Throwing up in your shower and then showing up for drills at five in the fucking morning will cure you of that bullshit real quick. I stick to one or two.
[No worries, Cas. She only drinks with friends.]
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[ don't put the air quotes, cas, don't do it. he doesn't, thankfully. look at him, finally starting to sound almost like a real boy after twelve years. subtly isn't castiel's strong suit. if he isn't outright saying it, direct and plain, it's an attempt at subtle. yeah, he's not great at it. you should hear this dork try to lie. ]
Drills? Who was drilling you at five in the morning after you'd thrown up?
[ um how dare they? ]
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[Good job, dude- someday she'll even be aware of the struggle. But for now, she's blissfully ignorant of the amount of work that's gone into sounding like a normal human through text.]
Hell, I keep forgetting. I've been inside your head so this feels
Fucking weird, like you should know more
I grew up in a military preparatory academy. Ward of the state and all that.
[Which she left when she was thirteen but probably not the best time to mention considering they're talking about her underage drinking escapades.]
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[ he's bound to mess up and show his dorkiness at some point, don't worry. cas never holds on to looking cool for long once you see him outside of combat. ]
There was a time I could've read your entire life from your mind, but I'd consider it unethical.
You're an orphan. [ captain obvious here. ] Were you treated well there? Or were post-regurgitation calisthenics the norm?
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[Ellie pauses for a few seconds, just working out the obvious shit, then tacking the rest on. She's seen Castiel's notes on Dean's work so she's not as blindsided as she might have been.]
It sucked but not as bad as some other places. It was probably the safest place in the city and we got fed. That's more than the civvies could say most of the time
I got out, though. It's related to the long story
And that guy you saw in my head
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[ ah, yes. the man in her memory, the one soaked in grief and horror, that had shaken her to her core. cas doesn't want to pry, much as he's curious. whatever ellie wants to tell about longer story, she'll do in her own time, and he isn't in a hurry for it.
the image of that man is stuck in his mind, wrapped up in ellie's feelings of despair and terror, something broken and delicate, sharp edges that cut before you notice you've mishandled it. he must've been someone immensely important, trusted, for her to leave behind that promise of security. ]
What was his name?
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[She'd been a child at the time, without much of a choice, and only upon looking back does she really see how sheltered she was, in comparison to what Dina and Riley grew up with. Ellie was fiercely capable, had been forced to be, but she's just one of thousands of kids.]
Joel. Joel Miller.
[She pauses, and then-]
No blood relation, we just
relied on each other, for a long time
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I was once told 'family don't end in blood.'
[ castiel's guessing that's the kind of relationship here, despite the lack of blood. this joel miller is a sensitive topic for her, one cas knows she doesn't want to go into now, so he tries to steer away from it, relieve ellie from answering questions for now. ]
Fortunate. You've seen how my family regards me already.
[ his family being the entire host of heaven, up to and including the woman with the brain drill, and every other angel who tried to take them out along the way. ]
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[Even if she doesn't know who said it. She supposes she can live with calling Dean smart, if it was him. But she appreciates Castiel steering through it, still giving her room to talk without pinning her down.]
Why do they hate you so much? You're not like, evil or anything
Not that I know anything about angels
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[ rip, bobby, you'll be missed. the word 'hate' is strong, and as much as cas wishes he could say he doesn't think any of them truly hate him any longer, well... that may not be exactly true. ]
I rebelled.
For an angel to turn their back on their duty as the host of Heaven, abandon their brothers and sisters - it's the highest shame.
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That's some bullshit though. You can't just
Be loyal without thinking, especially to assholes
[Torturing him qualifies as an asshole move, thanks.]
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Blind loyalty and allegiance are exactly what angels were made for.
We're soldiers, meant to operate like machines, programmable.
Free will is a completely foreign concept to most.
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Who wants a robotic yes-people around you all the time
But I mean, you ended up with free will, right?
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That's... debatable, but for the most part, yes.
What you saw in my dream, that was the method used to reprogram us.
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High up there
[Castiel's cries still stay with her. They would even without her memories of Joel.]
Glad you got out.
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I'm sorry you had to witness it.
[ cas can handle his own nightmares, but he wishes ellie didn't have to share those with him. ]
I'm grateful you were there to free me, this time.
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[She's meant it as a commentary on the bullshit he's been through, but realizes now that it sounds like something he might feel bad over.]
And getting to fight with you was beyond badass.